just as i am

1. Just as I am, without one plea,
   But that Thy blood was shed for me,
   And that Thou bidst me come to Thee,
   O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
2. Just as I am, and waiting not
   To rid my soul of one dark blot,
   To Thee whose blood can cleanse each spot,
   O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

thoughts from instagram

"A changing body is not a ruined body."

instagram...

Once upon a time, a twenty year old bought this tunic a week after finding out she was pregnant with her first child. It was the dead of steaming hot summer, but she knew it would be perfect for the cold months when her bump would be very visible. One week later she gave up her baby to heaven.


About two years later she would have worn this top with her second pregnancy more often, but the timing just wasn't right seasonally. She welcomed her rainbow baby and prayed for at least one more child.


Two years later, she threw on this tunic for church, caught her reflection which showed the story of yet another life beginning and she cried. She cried because she will never not miss her first child. She cried because her two year old is perfectly, blissfully sleeping behind her. She cried for thankfulness as her hand instinctively touched her growing middle. She cried for the pain and beauty of her journey so far. She cried because God is gracious and answers prayer from the deepest corners of the heart.


<3

the next step

"Today is a good day for a good day."
Spent the night in vivid dreams of being pregnant again. The best dreams are the hardest to wake from. My doctors appointment to start the journey of hopefully discovering why it is hard for us to have babies is one week away. Last time we scheduled this kind of appointment I got pregnant before I had to go. That didn't happen this time. It's frustrating. It's scary. It hurts to keep hoping that doctors and tests won't be our reality. It's hard when you have a list of beautiful baby names you might not get to use. But today (as I sniffle through the hard that is allergies) the birds are chirping and Rennie is here and tonight is date night and I am beloved. Even with all the ick surrounding it, this is a day made by God. It is worth enjoying.❤

~ my instagram six days ago

family pictures... and musings from a wife and mommy

"The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling."  ~ Fabienne Fredrickson


I have always wanted to be a wife and mommy.  I went through my stint of wanting to be a famous singer or author.  I mulled around different career ideas occasionally.  But nothing stuck.  Nothing matched the desire in my heart to love a godly man and raise a passel of children.

The first half of my dream came very easily.  I met Andrew when I was seventeen.  He was the first and only man with whom I had a romantic relationship.  We were married less than a month after my nineteenth birthday.  At twenty-four I am very well-adjusted to sharing my heart, home, and life with him.  We've definitely got that "old married couple" thing going.  Honestly, it hasn't always been easy getting married so young, but God has been faithful to grow us.

seventh blogiversary!

Sometimes I can feel like a dandelion whose seeds have been blown to smithereens and left a plain, strange stem.  Not much to offer.  Nothing special.  But today my daughter picked several of them, dubbing them flowers like the rest, to present to loved ones.  How marvelous that it just takes eyes of love for something small and ugly to become valuable and beautiful.  Jesus loves me (and all of us) just that much.  He sees our hearts of sin and extends His grace.  He presents us before God, a treasure.  But He also takes it a step further by pulsing new life into us so we can grow and thrive and LIVE.  He makes an army from dry bones and beauty from dying weeds.

--- my instagram

to the moon and back... outfit post

"i can do this all day"

the last couple of weeks have been an emotional roller coaster.

as Andrew and I look to the future, we are faced with beautiful opportunities but also large bumps that bring plans to a screeching halt.

it is so easy for me to be discouraged.  if fact, this day, i am rather discouraged.

dear little fairy-mine,

sweet serenity faye,

even saying your name holds so much meaning to me.  your first name means "peace-filled", which was what i desperately needed to be while carrying you inside.  i started out so full of fear and with each day as you grew, i filled with you... and with peace.

your middle name has two meanings.  one is "confidence".

a baby for christmas

Just two days till Christmas.

Just a couple of days from when my world was turned upside-down... twice.

Both times by a baby.

in my life

my little life

I live in a world of grand schemes, lofty goals, and great achievements.

Stronger.  Richer.  Skinnier.  Smarter.  Faster.

 Success is marked by letters after your name, toned muscles, money in the bank, or a busy schedule.

memories in pink... maternity outfit

so much more than "pretty"... maternity outfit and thoughts post

 

when God says YES

Me and Baby J at 11 weeks!

Parenthood means sacrifice... and I am already glimpsing a small picture of what that looks like.

Guest posting!

Hello, lovely readers!

I realize how little I've been blogging recently, but between fatigue and constant nausea (yes, pregnancy seems to be going well!) I just haven't had the brain-power.

I am, however, being featured in a blog post as a guest writer sharing answers to some Godly Beauty questions (which, thankfully, I was able to write before morning-noon-and-night sickness set in).

If you'd like, take a moment to read this and also explore Nela's blog, "Beloved Star"!

<3

once you are real

~facebook status from last week~

I was up late last night not feeling well... I was reading some things I'd written as a teenager and young-married... I started to feel all of the depression and hurt of this last year or so come crashing down on me... I sat in my dark living room, just crying. Crying because I hate being in physical pain... crying because I so badly want children... crying because change and new people are so hard for me... crying because, sitting in the silence, far away from home, sick, and still childless, my loneliness is suffocating.

desert rain

I am surrounded by mountain and valleys... stretching, climbing landscapes that capture the attention *and heart* every day.

But the most beautiful thing I have experienced here is the rain.

rainy-day joy