due date

Promise

you were so small,

so tiny inside of me.

when I learned of

you

I cried and shook for

fear and

excitement…

in one second my life was

changed.

in one moment I had transformed from

girl to

mother.

when I told your father,

him bleary-eyed from

sleep,

he smiled

and then felt sick the rest of the day.

he was so

nervous.

his excitement

grew…

so did

mine.

we planned our

future around

you.

we were so

afraid but so

thankful.

we had prayed and

longed for

you.

every day I spoke of you,

to you,

told you that

"I love you".

I felt tired,

but it made me

smile.

how often I kept my hand

pressed against where you

grew,

deep within

 me.

I would look at my own

reflection and could scarcely believe the

miracle happening

to me,

in me,

in you.

fear was slowly

leaving,

swept away by the

great joy.

then my heart was

 stabbed.

I cried bitter

tears, fearing,

knowing deep inside,

that I had

lost you.

one day I waited,

dreading.

two days and

I knew.

I knew I would never

feel you kick or

hiccup.

I wouldn’t watch my body

change and

swell large with

you.

I wouldn’t know whether your

hair was dark like mine or

light like your

daddy’s.

I wouldn’t see if your

eyes would stay

baby blue or

turn green.

or if you would look

nothing like us

at all.

I wouldn’t help you

walk.

I wouldn’t hold you

close.

I wouldn’t watch you

grow.

I wouldn’t hear you

sing.

how I have

cried for

you,

words turning to

screams in my

pillow.

this is a

loss no one should

ever

bear.

ever.

because this kind of hurt takes

hold.

and even when I

smile, my

heart still

aches for

you.

and not

having you here is the

worst kind of

pain.

you are so missed

still.

and even though

time can make the

hurt less

crippling,

I will

never stop

wanting you

here.

you are the

child of my

prayers and

tears.

you are the

child who gave me

such

joy.

you are the child I

begged God to let me

keep.

you are the child who is

safe now in

heaven.

you are my child

and your

mommy

loves

you.

and you will

always be with me.

your memory,

tucked in the sweet place of my

heart;

where my hand rests in those

moments of both

sadness and

joy.

my sweet Promise.

my baby who was to be born in the spring.

now safe where it is never dark.

 {Rachel J.}

Today is the day: my due date.  I wrote this "letter" several months ago and I'm so glad I did... because I seem to have no words today.  I will wear my little pieces of jewelry that were made to honor the memory of my baby, I will cry (already have and am right now), I will laugh (my hubby is good at bringing me back to joy), and I will work hard (more packing to do).

I will remember Andrew's words to me this morning: "You are such a wonderful Mom and someday you will be able to see it".   Please, Lord, be it Your will.

 Much love to you today, my readers.  I hope you have a lovely Saturday!  And so will I.