Saturday, April 5, 2014

due date


Promise


you were so small,
so tiny inside of me.
when I learned of
you
I cried and shook for
fear and
excitement…


in one second my life was
changed.


in one moment I had transformed from
girl to
mother.

when I told your father,
him bleary-eyed from
sleep,
he smiled
and then felt sick the rest of the day.
he was so
nervous.



his excitement
grew…

so did
mine.



we planned our
future around
you.


we were so
afraid but so
thankful.



we had prayed and
longed for
you.



every day I spoke of you,
to you,
told you that
"I love you".


I felt tired,
but it made me
smile.


how often I kept my hand
pressed against where you
grew,
deep within
 me.


I would look at my own
reflection and could scarcely believe the
miracle happening
to me,
in me,

in you.


fear was slowly
leaving,
swept away by the
great joy.


then my heart was
 stabbed.


I cried bitter
tears, fearing,
knowing deep inside,
that I had
lost you.



one day I waited,
dreading.


two days and
I knew.



I knew I would never
feel you kick or
hiccup.


I wouldn’t watch my body
change and
swell large with
you.


I wouldn’t know whether your
hair was dark like mine or
light like your
daddy’s.


I wouldn’t see if your
eyes would stay
baby blue or
turn green.


or if you would look
nothing like us
at all.


I wouldn’t help you
walk.


I wouldn’t hold you
close.


I wouldn’t watch you
grow.



I wouldn’t hear you
sing.


how I have
cried for
you,
words turning to
screams in my
pillow.


this is a
loss no one should
ever
bear.


ever.


because this kind of hurt takes
hold.

and even when I
smile, my
heart still
aches for
you.


and not
having you here is the
worst kind of
pain.


you are so missed
still.

and even though
time can make the
hurt less
crippling,


I will
never stop
wanting you
here.


you are the
child of my
prayers and
tears.



you are the
child who gave me
such
joy.



you are the child I
begged God to let me
keep.




you are the child who is
safe now in
heaven.


you are my child
and your
mommy
loves
you.

and you will
always be with me.



your memory,
tucked in the sweet place of my
heart;
where my hand rests in those
moments of both
sadness and
joy.


my sweet Promise.


my baby who was to be born in the spring.
now safe where it is never dark.




 {Rachel J.}




Today is the day: my due date.  I wrote this "letter" several months ago and I'm so glad I did... because I seem to have no words today.  I will wear my little pieces of jewelry that were made to honor the memory of my baby, I will cry (already have and am right now), I will laugh (my hubby is good at bringing me back to joy), and I will work hard (more packing to do).
I will remember Andrew's words to me this morning: "You are such a wonderful Mom and someday you will be able to see it".   Please, Lord, be it Your will.


 Much love to you today, my readers.  I hope you have a lovely Saturday!  And so will I.

8 comments:

Aragorn said...

Love you and praying for you both.

Khloe Grace Kendler said...

God will be with you today. I will be praying.:)

Blythe said...

This was beautiful and touching,you have such away with words! A big bear hug! In my prayers.

Alison said...

That is the most beautiful human-written letter I have ever-ever-ever read.

My one of the most beautiful beings I have ever known.

I love you, my sweet Kindred Sprirt. More than words can say. Please know that you are on my mind and heart this day.
Ali

Natasha Atkerson said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Rachel.
I don't quite know what to say, except I'm here for you.
I pray in the future God will bless you and Andrew with many children soon.
I don't know why this had to happen, but I of know God's bigger than any obstacle. Rest in Him and you'll be safe.
Your friend,
Natasha
A modest fashion blog: www.natashaatkerson.blogspot.com

Leah K. Oxendine said...

I am so sorry and wish I could say something to encourage/comfort you, or to say I know how it feels. :(

You are an inspiration to me. I pray and hope the Lord blesses you greatly because of your faith in Him. <3

Amelia said...

This brings tears to my eyes. Sorrow is but for a moment, we rejoice that one day we will see our babies face-to-face! <3

Sarah Hoffman said...

I just discovered your blog on Pinterest. Thank you for sharing this beautiful poem. I cried my eyes out as I read it. It hit home on so many levels as I lost my daughter in January of this year. My due date for my baby girl Ava is just around the corner, June 19th. Thank you for sharing your heart.