I sit here.
Downstairs family computer.
Background noise: Dog's paws on hardwood floors, Mom and Littles singing Scripture, Joshua's pencil tapping, Rush of traffic on the highway, soft hum of the computer, some kind of learning movie playing in the distant family-room.
A million thoughts, like usual.
Over everything, I hear Mom teaching.
Just like when I was little.
"Let's praise Him, He knows what we need. Let's thank Jesus."
Though her words are not intended for me, they pierce.
I think about how much I don't
As I prepare for this new season of life, I have worried more than anything.
Will I be a good homemaker?
Can I be the helpmeet he needs?
Then there's that whole submission thing I've always struggled with.
I worry about the big things and little things alike.
Keeping a gentle spirit.
Speaking the truth in love.
And then I hear my Mom's voice over all the noise. Teaching the basic concept to my seven-year old and twelve-year-old siblings: Do not worry. God knows.
I've felt the frustration of trying to read His love letter to me, to be swept away by His love and grace, while cares and concerns have been like chains, holding me solidly to the ground. Even as truth enters through the eyes, to-do lists crowd the mind. No time to sit still and be His precious daughter. To just be.
I desire it. Growth. Intimacy. The strength to say no to the distractions. But, at the end of the day, or by the time I have a moment to sit down and be, my mind is so worn that the desire to pursue Him has weakened.
And that causes me to worry more. And feel guilty.
Then I think of His promise:
Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. ~ Matt. 11:28-30
All who are weary... including me? I forget that so often.
I remember teaching on this very passage. That the illustration of a yoke is different than if it had been a harness. A yoke is not to be carried by one, but by two.
Are You carrying this yoke with me, Jesus? Are You truly teaching me, guiding me, as an experienced beast of burden would train a younger one by being yoked beside it? Is it really as light as You say it is?
For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments; and His commandments are not burdensome. ~ 1 John 5:3
I come, Lord. Realizing how I heap the weight on myself by worrying. Weary and heavy-burdened, I approach you with humility... and confidence, knowing that You hear. That You know.
I submit to Your command not to worry. Give me the strength to obey. Give me what is beyond my human limitations:
Peace that surpasses comprehension.
Teach me, as You have again and again, to trust. To pray. To thank.
The words of my favorite song play like a prayer from my soul:
Be Thou my Vision, oh Lord of my Heart... not be all else to me, save that Thou art...
Be Thou my Battle Shield, Sword for the fight... be Thou my Victory, Thou my delight... Thou my soul's Shelter, Thou my High Tower... raise now me heavenward, oh Power of my power...
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall... still be my Vision, oh ruler of all.
I thank You, Shelter of my soul, for being just that: for being who You are. I praise You, Heart of my own heart, for the rest, peace, and joy You have promised to Your children who come.
In the valley, may You ever be my Vision.