Summertime in Indiana means hot, sunny, humid days. This cooler-than-usual-type-of-summer has been filled to the brim.
My family has escaped several times, sweeping me away with them on two occasions, to Lake Michigan.
I've spent lazy afternoons making little gifts for my sisters whilst watching The Lord of the Rings (extended version, of course).
When swimming leaves us desiring the cool indoors, playing of the Xbox is always fun on these summer days as well!
Most recently, I've checked "Go to the Circus", "Ride an Elephant", and "Ride a Camel lead by a Fire-Breather" off my bucket list!
It truly has been the best of times and the worst of times this summer in my life. I have been through struggles I never wanted to face and am left with the feeling of being incomplete... I suppose I never have been complete this side of heaven, I just feel it more acutely now.
I have also experienced the power of people who show love, tenderness, and empathy during times like this... and they have helped me to find joy in life. I have cried hard and laughed loud.
Incredible comfort came to me last night as I read the Psalms... I realized just how often the psalmist says things like "How long, O Lord?" and "If only You would...", etc... I'm realizing that sometimes there just is no comprehending God's plan.
These men, even David who was called "the man after God's own heart", didn't always understand what God was doing, to the point of being frustrated and discouraged (I definitely know the feeling). Still God used their prayers and songs; He even gave them words to praise Him when they didn't see His plan.
I've by no means arrived to some incredible peak of perfect faith amidst grief and uncertainty. There is so much of me that wants to scream to the heavens "Why?", simply because I don't get it. I read my own determined, spiritual words and don't know if I will ever be brave enough to live them.
Because letting my heart heal is painful. Because laughing and holding on to joy is hard work. Because believing in things I can't understand, can't see, is one of the bravest things I've ever had to do.
I can only breathe through the moments when my heart comes to pieces and pray,
"Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.".
And I know He has helped me, even when my hurting heart rebels against the thought.
And while I wonder why He couldn't have just spared me the tears, I remember how He has shown Himself to be faithful and loving.
Standing on the promises. Amen, and amen.