One of the difficult things in blogging is knowing what parts of your life to share and what parts to keep private.
Something happened this last week and at first I didn't know if I could write about it here... but I really feel in my heart that this is something too important and life-changing for me to not be open about it.
I also don't know how this is going to affect my future posts for the next couple of weeks, so at least you all will know why now.
After over a year of trying to conceive, and fearing it wouldn't happen for us, Andrew and I found out we were expecting our first child. The weeks we held that knowledge were some of the most exciting, beautiful, dream-filled days of my life. On Monday (6 weeks and 2 days into the pregnancy), I started showing signs of a miscarriage. As the signs became more clear, followed by blood work that confirmed it, Andrew and I knew that our baby had gone to be with the Lord. This has been the hardest week of my life as I try to trust God's will, believe He has a plan, and also learn how to say goodbye to this child I prayed to have for so long. My heart wants so much to keep this baby... but I know the Lord must have had a reason to bring it straight from the safety in my womb to the safety in Him arms. Andrew and I are thankful for the answer to prayer in knowing that we can conceive, which is more than we had before. The hurt comes in with wanting THIS child. I pray that we will be able to have more children, but I will never forget and never stop loving this first baby.
We have named our baby Promise.
As I became quite certain that my baby had died, over and over I felt so deeply that I needed to give it a name; a name that would help me whenever I thought of this sweet child and this loss. Andrew and I talked and agreed on the name Promise. It will always be a reminder to me of God's promise to never leave or forsake His beloved, of His promise to give love and strength and grace for each day, and of His promise of life beyond death... a life that Andrew and I can someday share with our child. It is also a reminder not only of God's promises to me (to us), but it is also a promise to never forget and never stop loving this baby.
Please pray for our hearts (Andrew's, mine, and our family's) as we grieve this loss. Please pray for my physical recovery as well.
Thank you so much.
I love you, my sweet baby. Life is going to seem longer waiting to finally meet you someday. Thank you for making me a Mom and giving me so much joy in the short time we had together.
I won't forget.