One of the difficult things in blogging is knowing what parts of your life to share and what parts to keep private.
Something happened this last week and at first I didn't know if I could write about it here... but I really feel in my heart that this is something too important and life-changing for me to not be open about it.
I also don't know how this is going to affect my future posts for the next couple of weeks, so at least you all will know why now.
After over a year of trying to conceive, and fearing it wouldn't happen for us, Andrew and I found out we were expecting our first child. The weeks we held that knowledge were some of the most exciting, beautiful, dream-filled days of my life. On Monday (6 weeks and 2 days into the pregnancy), I started showing signs of a miscarriage. As the signs became more clear, followed by blood work that confirmed it, Andrew and I knew that our baby had gone to be with the Lord. This has been the hardest week of my life as I try to trust God's will, believe He has a plan, and also learn how to say goodbye to this child I prayed to have for so long. My heart wants so much to keep this baby... but I know the Lord must have had a reason to bring it straight from the safety in my womb to the safety in Him arms. Andrew and I are thankful for the answer to prayer in knowing that we can conceive, which is more than we had before. The hurt comes in with wanting THIS child. I pray that we will be able to have more children, but I will never forget and never stop loving this first baby.
We have named our baby Promise.
As I became quite certain that my baby had died, over and over I felt so deeply that I needed to give it a name; a name that would help me whenever I thought of this sweet child and this loss. Andrew and I talked and agreed on the name Promise. It will always be a reminder to me of God's promise to never leave or forsake His beloved, of His promise to give love and strength and grace for each day, and of His promise of life beyond death... a life that Andrew and I can someday share with our child. It is also a reminder not only of God's promises to me (to us), but it is also a promise to never forget and never stop loving this baby.
Please pray for our hearts (Andrew's, mine, and our family's) as we grieve this loss. Please pray for my physical recovery as well.
Thank you so much.
I love you, my sweet baby. Life is going to seem longer waiting to finally meet you someday. Thank you for making me a Mom and giving me so much joy in the short time we had together.
I won't forget.
10 comments:
Rachel, I only recently found your blog because my friend Trisch (mama of SevenFarmgirlSisters) shared one of your posts on facebook.
I also miscarried my first baby, at 8 weeks. I started showing concrete signs the day before, and spent an afternoon praying with the Lord. After feeling like we already had such a connection with our baby after only knowing we were pregnant for a few weeks, it was so much more heartbreaking than I realized to lose that baby. But we didn't lose him. God just chose it was best that he should populate heaven without having placed his feet on earth. No, you never forget that baby (babies) you lost. And with every pregnancy both my husband and I find it difficult to respond when people ask if it's our first, or how many. Like this time, we tell people it's our 4th pregnancy, but God willing, our 3rd live birth. We believe it's important for us not to forget, and we want to share God's work in our hearts with others. I will be praying for you and your husband as you grieve Promise. It's not easy, and in some ways, the pain never goes away, but it does get better! Just remember whenever you see a pregnant woman or new baby over the next year, that your baby is in heaven smiling, and you should too!
Oh, Rachel. I am so sorry for your loss. I'll be praying for you and Andrew.
I love the name you chose for your sweet baby. It's so beautiful.
Oh Rachel, So sorry for your loss. Losing a child thru miscarriage is as real as losing a child who is full grown. I am praying for-I think it is so wonderful you named your baby. The baby will always be in your hearts-
Love, Lexi
Rachel, again, just want you to know that my heart is so, so heavy, and you are in my prayers every day! Love you, sweet girl.
Praying that God would bind up your broken heart!!!
My heart is heavy for all of you right now, and I'm praying for you! Love you, dearie!
Keeping you both in my prayers. :)
So sorry for your loss, Rachel. I will be praying for you and Andrew at this hard time in your life. Keep leaning on Christ for everything, he will always be by your side. Loved the name you picked, God always keeps his promises. :)
Oh Rachel! I'm so sorry for you and your husband's loss. I will be praying for you! <3
I know there's nothing I could ever say to make you "feel better" about this. But please know that I am praying for you and Andrew. I can't say that I know what you're going through; I can only ask God to lend me His love for you.
-Abby
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