letting go and embracing

Thank you, Natalie, for these priceless pictures!!!  They perfectly encompass our joy together.

Anyone else here that struggles with anxiety or depression? I have both; anxiety being the more extreme of the two. I am constantly over-thinking and analyzing every tiny detail and occurrence.
It is also somewhat difficult for me to conceive. These factors all together have made for high stress in our attempts to grow our family and also during my pregnancies. My poor midwife deserves a trophy.

It's really amazing this time around though how the Lord is giving me a feeling of contentment over perhaps only having two children... I'm only twenty-five and am very much aware that we could still get pregnant in the future as long as we aren't preventing.
Honestly though, I feel like I've wrapped so much of my future happiness in having a big family (and comparison to other big families) that I've been missing out on the joy of what the Lord has for MY family and just loving on these special people I've been given. For the first time in my life I'm feeling myself let go of the "perfect big family" dream and embracing what is NOW.

I had a wonderful conversation with my sister recently about contentment and how often our unhappiness stems from life not being "how we expected".  It's not that our lives are actually bad, they are just different from our past imaginings, whatever they may be (more children, less children, getting married young, physical fitness, career success, income, etc...).

Having a small family isn't bad.  It can actually come with some amazing benefits.  The only reason my heart has rebelled against it in the past is because I never saw myself having a small family.  As I let go of the crazy notion that somehow four-plus children is better than two, I find myself feeling peaceful and thankful.  Even, dare I say, excited.
While Andrew and I are open to having more children, we are (ahem, more *I am* as Andrew is way more able to go with the flow than me!) releasing the burden of timing and number.  As if it was anyone's job but God's in the first place.  ;-)  I recently shared with a friend what a relief it is to me that I might finally be getting to a place in my heart where I won't put so much pressure on myself to "make things happen" and just enjoy life with God, Andrew, and our girls.  And maybe then I can finally begin to experience the joy that is contentment and trust in God's story for my life.  He is the best writer, after all.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we've planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us."  Joseph Campbell


How has the Lord been working in your heart recently?


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