Wednesday, October 15, 2014


Today is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day.  A day I didn't know existed until last autumn: the first October I lived with the burden of having lost a child. 

Since then Andrew and I have learned a lot about why it took us fourteen months to become pregnant... but we don't have answers as to why our baby died.  And I know we will never fully understand.

I am so thankful for the many opportunities God has given me to share about my hurt, my struggles, and how women have come out of the woodwork in this sisterhood of loss and/or infertility.  I am blessed to know that my honesty has touched aching hearts.  It serves as a reminder to me that nothing is wasted when your life belongs to the Lord.  Promise's short life has already served such a glorious purpose in giving me the opportunity to love and encourage so many beautiful ladies.

But that never means that I wouldn't give up everything to have my child here with me.  It is a pain that never leaves.  A memory that both glows and stings.

And knowing that it has been over fourteen months since losing our baby and I still show no signs of becoming pregnant again... that is a daunting, discouraging, steal-my-joy-away thought.

Thank God I have placed my faith in someone bigger than my fears and hurts.  My struggles may rise like towering cliffs, but He is the mover of mountains.  He is my soul's Lover, my Healer, my Comforter, and my HOPE.  It is because of His pure love for me, His suffering and pain, His power over death, that I can continue this path... even if it is a valley of confusion and hopes deferred.  He has saved me from hopelessness.  And He has saved me to heaven... where my child waits for me.

What a beautiful truth amidst the tears.

both images via pinterest

Missing you more with each day, Promise.  Sanity is only possible because each day is one closer to holding you.  Mommy and Daddy love you forever and ever.  We hope and pray to add other lives is this little family of ours, children that we have the chance to meet and raise... but you will never be forgotten.  
 A piece of my heart is with you.  <3


Jennifer Allen said...

Love you all....

Anonymous said...

love you SO SO SO much my friend . . . the ache is awful and daily and constant.
and i love how you constantly - in the midst of tears - continue to turn to our Savior!!!
your sister, Misty Brown

OldFashionGirl said...

Blessings to you Rachel, upon you and your husband. You are a testament to others, that our grief can drive us toward God, in a closer, deeper way, even thought pain still hurts. I am learning in my own life the concept of being at peace, while not feeling completely "healed". Lots of prayers to you!

Love, a sister in Christ (long time reader, first time commenter)


Natasha Atkerson said...

While I can't empathize with you, I do feel sympathy for you. It must be very hard for you. Only remember that God will hold, He keeps all your tears in a cup! How much more does He care about this current hurt?
Praying for healing.
A modest fashion

Laura said...

Hello, I just found your blog through other bloggers and I have to say it is beautiful, I find inspiring the way you guys handle these type of challenges in your marriage.

It must be hard to be in a situation like this, but I am sure God will bless you in so many beautiful ways, He is great and knows your humble desire to have a family of your own flesh, the desire to be parents is something very noble.

I will be praying for you guys, I trust in the Lord that he will help you in these hard trials. Sending you many Blessings,