when hopes are deferred

The dreaded (yet impatiently waited for) phone call has come.

Through the last two years my sweet husband and I have longed to start a family.   We waited, lost a child, then waited again.  Finally, we are seriously seeking answers.  I had two ultrasounds on Tuesday and have been anxiously awaiting my results since then.

 I now have my results.  And there have been moments this evening when I have found it hard to breathe or think.
I'm not dying or suffering from something that will render me incurably infertile for the rest of my life... but the words "We found something" are still ringing in my ears.  It is something we can wait to address until after our move out west, but something that is almost certainly effecting my fertility (and health), will need the help of an infertility specialist, and will likely require surgery (which still won't cure me, but will hopefully help or at least keep it from getting worse).

Please know I say these next words with a heart of love: I am not sharing this so that everyone can tell me what I should or shouldn't do to fix myself.  I have read and tried many things... and I know I will try many more.  I know any words of advice would be shared out of care, but that is really not what I need right now.  We will do what we can when we can. 

I am broken right now.  My heart is hurting and so is Andrew's. 

I am sharing this because we need prayer.  Our dream of living a simple life and raising a ton of kids is being shaken (and even feels rather obliterated in those dark moments).  If you want to know more, please feel free to message me.  I am comfortable with talking about it, simply because this is now a part of my life (no matter how much I don't want it to be) and friends need to be honest about their struggles.

I love you all.  Thank you for all of your prayers for us up to this point.  Please, please continue bringing us before our gracious Lord; the One who knows all things and *always* has a plan for His beloved, even when we don't understand it.
Thanks so much!

 The above words were posted on my Facebook wall about two weeks ago.  My brain is beginning to wrap around it.  It is so hard when something you don't want is heaped onto you and something you desire so deeply is out of reach, momentarily or permanently.  My dream for my entire life was to get married and have children (with a good dose of singing and writing thrown into the mix).  God blessed me immensely with the first part of that dream: my precious husband, Andrew.  That man has proven his love for me so many times through the last two years.

My desire to have children is going to be one I have to fight to see fulfilled.  As much as I want us to be one of those couples who has a baby every two years without even having to try, that isn't what we will be.

And even though I never showed any signs prior to marriage of having any trouble in this area, my body is rebelling against my dream.  I won't go into details here, but here is a quick summary:

My ultrasound showed cysts in some *sensitive* areas; how many, what size, or what kind I still don't know.  I haven't talked with a doctor about these yet, but from what I've heard, this shouldn't be too difficult to remedy.

The other issue found was signs I have endometriosis.  This condition takes many forms and affects women in different ways... but knowing that I most likely have it actually makes a lot of sense with some of the physical experiences I've had.  :-(  I know several women with this "disease" and they do have children, but it has been a battle for them to become mothers.  And some women with endometriosis aren't able to have children.  It can be very painful (I have experienced some of that) and the only permanent cure is usually a hysterectomy (which isn't an option for me right now as it defeats the point of trying to have children).

So, there is a lot still to discover... we are also in the middle of a move.  This coming Tuesday is our official moving day (which I am still so excited about, even in the midst of all of this)!  It will be a while before we are settled into our new life and then we need to get in touch with specialists to see how my body needs to be treated.

I am sad.  I am scared.  And I really don't want this.

I don't like knowing my body isn't working correctly.  I don't like the thought of treatments, surgeries, and pain.  I don't want to be that couple.  These last two years have been exhausting... hoping and praying each month only to be disappointed time and time again.

I need your prayers.  So does Andrew.  We are so glad to at least know what the issue is... but, while the problem could be worse, we were hoping for something easier (you know, the whole "take this pill and everything will be fine" type of answer).

I was reminded of a powerful truth just yesterday though:

This is not God's "Plan B" for me.

It's not as if God realized I had these sicknesses in my body and went, "Oh dear... well, I guess my beautiful story for Rachel is out the window.  Let's see if we can salvage this mess."

NO, NO!

He always knew this would happen and it is part of His beautiful story for me.  Right now He is saying, "Rachel... I will need you to be oh-so brave and just trust Me.  If this wasn't My best for you, it wouldn't be happening.  I love you.  I promise, your story is beautiful."

So, though my heart is sick with my hopes deferred, I know I can trust the One who's heart is always overflowing with love for me.

Thank you already for your prayers.  And thank you for going on this journey with me.

<3