From my Journal... prayer of the backslider

"Backsliding":

this is the title of the prayer my little black book flips open too.

This book has been an amazing source for me these past six months or so.  Now it hits me hard with the first word I read.

By Thursday, it was only the second time I did devotions this week.  And how my soul feels it; every time I open the infallible Word "deep calleth unto deep", as one author states it.  But I find that, after the great Book is closed, my heart, my soul, my strength weaken and stray to things more shallow, what seems easier to my world-infested, culture-worn self.  I can't find time for my Guide and Lover, but, oh yes, I can squeeze another movie in or more time checking my email again and again.

Still, Deep calleth... and the tension grows, though I am so numbed by my own disease and all surrounding that I can't hear the cries of my drowning soul over the roar of sinful self.

"I have been greatly distressed of soul

because I did not suitably

come to the fountain the purges away all sin;

I have labored too much for

spiritual life, peace of conscience, progressive holiness,

in my own strength."

How strong truth rings on ears starved of it.  I see myself, as in a mirror, denying my weakness, defying my convictions, ignoring my conscience, all the while knowing this all to be vain.

So, humbled at the sight of my own brokenness, I echo the prayer:

"I beg Thee, show me the arm of all might;

Give me to believe that Thou canst do for me

more than I ask or think, and that,

though I backslide,

Thy love will

never let me go,

but will draw me back to Thee with everlasting cords;

that Thou dost provide grace in the wilderness,

and canst bring me out,

leaning on the arm of my Beloved;

that Thou canst cause me to walk with Him

by the rivers of waters of a straight way,

wherein I shall not stumble.

Keep me solemn, devout, faithful, resting of free grace for

assistance, acceptance, and peace of conscience."

So, this I pray, oh Lord.

I rejoice greatly, knowing Your love to be boundless,

Your mercy endless,

Your grace sufficient.

Amen, and amen.