writing is hard these days. my hands are full. my brain is crowded.
i'm typing one-handed right now. and my heart isn't in it. i just want to curl into a ball and cry for a bit.
even though i've been blessed so greatly. i begged God for my two beautiful girls. they are here. but it has cost me. it has cost me my body. it has cost me a year and a half of nausea between the two of them. nothing functions like it used to. i'm still trying to heal. i feel like i can't trust anything to work correctly anymore.
it has cost me my mind. anxiety wins so much more than it ever did before. these last five months have been the hardest of my life as i struggle with inner demons.
and i battle daily to believe God is with me. that He is for me. i beg for healing and comfort, but wake up to the same (and sometimes new) mountains before me.
this time of year has always made God's presence more real to me. but this month i find myself battling to embrace the Savior come down. the One who has saved me from these fears. the One who stands beside me though trials and carries me when i just. can't. anymore.
it is so much easier to just be afraid... but He says, "fear not". it is natural to feel alone... but His name is Emmanuel, God with us.
God with me.
Lord, help me see this Christmas that You are higher and stronger than anything down here. Let my heart stay soft to You. Be my Emmanuel.
<3
4 comments:
I'm a 61 year old mom and grandma, and found this blog from my daughter, Rachel, several years ago. I love reading about young moms - their victories AND their struggles. It's hard. We have six children, three by birth and three by adoption. Two of our sons have turned from their faith. Life is hard, challenging, and many times you wonder if it is all worth it. Yes, it is. Just know that I'm lifting you up in prayer here in Arizona. You are loved by the Savior.
Anne
eightinarizona.blogspot.com
Honey, sounds like you have just been depleted.. after my first baby it was a nightmare because I suffered so much during my pregnancy.. I didn't know this is common and how to fix it.. I prayed and held onto God but it was really rough.. later He taught me so much about the physical body and how He made it and what it needs.. you just need to restore your liver and adrenals and thyroid and replenish your vitamins especially A D E and K.. sound hard but its not.. basically eat lots of cod liver oil, raw milk, animals fats, egg yolks, butter and cream,,, try and only eat sourdough breads and put in lots of grass fed meats and spray free fruits and veggies... when pregnant the body runs out of Vit A.. when this happens the liver clogs up the adrenal and thyroid axis breaks down, the nervous system collapses and the emotions go spiralling down down down.. most people think or are told its there emotions and they take so. long to heal... its actually a deficiency of the vitamins God intended for us to have in abundance in our bodies... you eat the foods mentioned above, drink plenty of clean water, take a high dose Vit C tablet each night before bed along with a Kyolic garlic tablet.... get early nights as often as possible and get out of bed the same time each day and in a few weeks you wont know yourself.. God created the foods we are to eat and most people just place no importance on that.. they want to make everything emotional or spiritual but God cares for all 3 parts of our being.. our bodies and their physical needs are very important to God.. Remember when Jesus raised the dead girl.. the first thing He said was "give her something to eat" he was always meeting peoples physical needs as well as their spiritual needs... when He fed the 5000 he said He did so because He didn't want them to faint on the way home... Jesus did not ignore our physical needs,, he met them as well as our soul and spirit needs.. God bless you as you live for Him.. Anni.
Hello Rachel, I am one of your old readers. I was wondering how you are doing now, over a year after this post. I hope things are going better and that your mind and body have been able to recover and be renewed. You are a very special blogger and I hope to hear soon how you and your family are doing. Much love in Christ, Lexi
Thank you so much for updating me about how you are doing. I appreciated your response on my blog. Take care and God Bless!
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