taking hold of Emmanuel

writing is hard these days.  my hands are full.  my brain is crowded.

just as i am

1. Just as I am, without one plea,
   But that Thy blood was shed for me,
   And that Thou bidst me come to Thee,
   O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
2. Just as I am, and waiting not
   To rid my soul of one dark blot,
   To Thee whose blood can cleanse each spot,
   O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

family pictures... and musings from a wife and mommy

"The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling."  ~ Fabienne Fredrickson


I have always wanted to be a wife and mommy.  I went through my stint of wanting to be a famous singer or author.  I mulled around different career ideas occasionally.  But nothing stuck.  Nothing matched the desire in my heart to love a godly man and raise a passel of children.

The first half of my dream came very easily.  I met Andrew when I was seventeen.  He was the first and only man with whom I had a romantic relationship.  We were married less than a month after my nineteenth birthday.  At twenty-four I am very well-adjusted to sharing my heart, home, and life with him.  We've definitely got that "old married couple" thing going.  Honestly, it hasn't always been easy getting married so young, but God has been faithful to grow us.

renniebird... eleven months

tantivy

(adj.) in a headlong dash

remembrance

Today is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day.  A day I didn't know existed until last autumn: the first October I lived with the burden of having lost a child. 

once you are real

~facebook status from last week~

I was up late last night not feeling well... I was reading some things I'd written as a teenager and young-married... I started to feel all of the depression and hurt of this last year or so come crashing down on me... I sat in my dark living room, just crying. Crying because I hate being in physical pain... crying because I so badly want children... crying because change and new people are so hard for me... crying because, sitting in the silence, far away from home, sick, and still childless, my loneliness is suffocating.

desert rain

I am surrounded by mountain and valleys... stretching, climbing landscapes that capture the attention *and heart* every day.

But the most beautiful thing I have experienced here is the rain.

anniversary

*Note

These pictures were not planned or posed.  Emotions flooded me, like they so often do, and my camera just happened to be in my hand.  As the loss washed over me, my heart screamed for me to capture this... not a stormy sob-session, just the quiet mourning that a mother's heart goes through every day that her child is not with her.

when hopes are deferred

The dreaded (yet impatiently waited for) phone call has come.

Through the last two years my sweet husband and I have longed to start a family.   We waited, lost a child, then waited again.  Finally, we are seriously seeking answers.  I had two ultrasounds on Tuesday and have been anxiously awaiting my results since then.

stars in the darkness (anniversary photo shoot, part two)

It's hard for me to say the things

I want to say sometimes

There's no one here but you and me

And that broken old streetlight

due date

Promise

you were so small,

so tiny inside of me.

when I learned of

you

I cried and shook for

fear and

excitement…

in one second my life was

changed.

recent life ~ in pictures

~ apple cinnamon muffins... homemade... a gift from my sister

~ eggs with Italian seasoning

~ cold milk and hot coffee

~ sunlight through the windows in the morning

You Were Worth It

this too shall pass

brutally honest moment...

I didn't become a pastor's kid until I was in highschool.  My family has come on a long journey that started when my Mom was diagnosed with cancer nearly thirteen years ago.  We saw the church in action during that time.  We saw people with true love in their hearts.  People who mowed our lawn, cooked us meals, and cleaned our toilets.  It was going through that experience that made my parents realize that they wanted more than to just go through life attending church on Sundays.  So, after years of praying and waiting on the Lord's timing, my family moved and my Dad started attending seminary.  I was twelve at this point.

count your every blessing...

It is hard sometimes to praise and trust God.

Even when I have so much to be thankful to Him for.

Even when He has shown His faithfulness to me

over and over.

In the tenseness, in the doubt, in the fear, in the worry, in the not knowing, in the hopes deferred...
I so easily lose sight of everything else. 

In a Dry and Weary Land...

It has been a hard day.

Very. Hard.

It started with not being able to get the warm, refeshing shower that is part of my daily routine.

Then I fell down the stairs.  And I hurt all over now; stiff neck, bruised arm.  I banged up my healing finger... and can no longer bend it the way I could without a lot of pain... something I'd worked hard at getting through and now I have to start over.

A Tale of Anygirl

In the state of Indiana, up to the north a bit, there is a small town.

In that small town there is a little church.

Inside that church is a white-washed room sporting three couches and a pool table.

Sitting on the couch, or sometimes watching the game of pool, there was once a girl.

When you mix trampolines, water, and "Blind Man"...

It was SO much fun.  Jessica, Natalie, Josh, Andrew, and I were jumping on our trampoline on Tuesday with the hose hooked up to one of the netting poles.  We were soaked and happy.  Then we decided to play "Blind Man"... you know, the game whicj is just like tag only the person who is "it" shuts their eyes and relies completely on sound???

Yeah, that game.

I still love it... but I have a bone to pick with whoever invented that game.

Literally.  A bone.  Namely, my left ring finger.  You know, the extra special finger where purity rings, engagement rings, and wedding bands go???

Don't panic.  I still have my finger.