it's been a minute...

Well.

Hi.

As I'm sure you can guess.  Much has changed in the 5+ years since I last wrote here.

I debated even sharing this... but in case anyone stumbles upon this old blog of mine, I want to point them in the right direction.  ;-)

In the past five years, my beliefs have undergone a complete overhaul, leaving me a very different person than the one you see in these posts.  You can read more on my "about me" and "about the blog" pages as well as connect with me through Instagram and email!

If you decide to browse this blog and read past posts, just know that I am now very aware that I am a religious trauma/sexual assault survivor.  I'm still unraveling the damage done to me throughout my formative years.  I strongly despise modesty/purity culture.  I have very similar feelings towards religion in general, honestly.  The last few years have been oh-so messy, but I'm so proud of the progress I've made and the person I've become.

So, here are some fun facts!

Andrew and I are still together.

We will both admit it hasn't been an easy 14 years.  There is so much that I concealed or sugar-coated about our relationship on this blog in order to present the "perfect couple".  We did everything "right" according to our parents and spiritual leaders (and countless amounts of Christian literature), but the result was a shit show and two absolutely miserable people.

Our marriage dynamic has done a complete 180.  There has been much therapy and countless tears shed.  We came to the brink of divorce but made the decision to stay together for the knowable future.  Andrew has gone through his own deconstruction journey (hence why this relationship was even salvageable).  These past few years he has come to truly see me, learn how to be a loving partner, and express his own emotions in healthier ways.  In many ways he is going back to the little boy he was before the "manosphere" and Christian patriarchy stuck their ugly claws in him.  He is a wonderful parent to our kids and such a supportive husband now.  I'm incredibly thankful that we escaped together.

I'm currently homeschooling our two kids.  We did go the public school route for a couple years so I could have the opportunity to work, but unfortunately, our community hasn't provided the environment we desire for our kids' education (and I have health issues that make working outside of virtual things difficult).  We're currently liberal-as-fuck homeschoolers and it has been both incredible and infuriating for me as I educate from a secular worldview.  The amount of information I was denied and falsities I was fed make my blood boil, but I'm also grateful for the opportunity to learn alongside my kids (we're currently studying pre-historic times for humanity as well as the time of the dinosaurs... so much new info!!!).

We are fierce allies of the LGBTQ+ community.  Honestly, all it took was actually meeting and having friendships with the people who were demonized to me for so long.  That was one of the easiest things to "de-program" about my upbringing.  I'm so thankful for these people in my life who challenged those views I was fed since childhood and caused my heart to expand in such beautiful ways.

Andrew and I are still boring cis-het people (believe me, we asked those questions as we deconstructed).  But honestly, it just means that this change didn't happen because it affected us personally.  We learned to look outside of ourselves and see the absolutely STUNNING diversity that lived in others and the value that gives society.  To my queer friends: thank you for letting me be a part of your lives!

We have cats.  Three of them (Karma, Cress, and Chasm who is pictured here).

Random, I know.  But I did promise fun facts.

If you didn't notice from previous pics, I now have tattoos. 

Thirteen so far.  More to come.

Adding ink to my body has been a beautiful part of my healing process.

Plus I love art and having it on me makes me all kinds of happy.

I've chopped off my hair multiple times now (and also love playing around with colors).

I'm currently in the process of growing it out (it's almost to my shoulders now!), but have loved playing around with different vibes and expressing myself this way!

I've travelled to Ireland.

Gurl, do it.

This was one of the most amazing experiences of my life!  I was still somewhat mid-deconstruction when this happened, so I'd love to go back with even fresher eyes... but I'm so grateful I got to do this!

I started wearing bikinis a few years ago.

*gasp*

All I have to say about this is FUCK YOU to everyone who made me feel dirty for wearing a regular-ass swimsuit.

I'm so thankful I'm raising my kids far, far away from this shit; that I'm giving them freedom to express themselves and teaching them body safety without shame.

I read what I want without shame.  I listen to the music I enjoy with second-guessing.  I watch the shows that entertain (or deeply touch) me without guilt.

I have, in fact, no guilty pleasures.

It's amazing.

To sum it all up:

My life is imperfect.  There is trauma.  There is baggage.

But this journey, this becoming... has made me into a person I never dreamed of (honestly, a person I would have avoided in the grocery store once upon a time).

I feel deeply the hurt that was caused in myself by my upbringing and early adult years; my mental and physical struggles attest to the damage done.  But I'm still here, trying each day to love deeper and understand better the complex and gorgeous world around me.

Do I have anger?  Absolutely.  Between my own trauma and the political climate of our country, the rage runs deep.  I've learned though that anger can be a tool for change.  That my rage is sacred and needed.

Do I have joy?  OH, so very much.  From cuddling my children to watching queer hockey players kiss on my screen to laughing with friends (and so much more), my life holds so much beauty.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading!

If you've also been down the road of deconstruction and rediscovering yourself, I applaud you!

This life is swift and chaotic and terrible and beautiful.

We deserve to know ourselves apart from shame and ancient texts and silly limitations.

Be happy, friends!

If you ever want to reconnect, you can find me on Instagram.

@awildrachel_

 

striving

 "I have seen all the works which have been done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and striving after wind." Ecc. 1:14

As I'm reading through Ecclesiastes I am struck over and over by the hopelessness found in the shallow things of life. Even the "good" things... work, accomplishments, relationships, health, etc... they still amount to nothing in and of themselves. Even worse, they cause us to see each other as competition instead of companions.

"I have seen that every labor and every skill which is done is the result of rivalry between a man and his neighbor. This too is vanity and striving after wind." Ecc 4:4

I've spent so much of my life (and brain-space) worrying how I measure up, how people perceive me. Am I valuable in their eyes? Respected? Loved? I've battled insecurities, physical and mental, only to then *strive* to fix myself. Just to be seen, to find value and purpose.

We all do this. We obsess over our weight, our income, our appearance, our possessions, our status, our accomplishments. It's all striving and it's all about us.

"For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of God." Gal. 1:10

This striving. This competition. This pointless value of the temporary. It is holding us (me) back. It keeps us from deep relationships (how can you truly love someone you mentally are competing with or comparing yourself to?). It keeps us from being vulnerable. It steals our time and our rest. It makes us worry when we could be thriving. Worst of all, it keeps us from God.

It isn't enough to say "I'm body positive" or "I'm secure" or "I know those things don't really matter" or "I love you for who you are". Even those well-meaning words fall flat when the fears rear their head, when the obsessions flare up, when the reflection we see just doesn't "measure up".

"For it is for this we labor and strive, because we have fixed our hope on the living God, who is the Savior of all men, especially of believers." 1 Tim 4:10

It isn't enough to stop striving. We aren't built that way. We must store our treasure somewhere. If we don't have an ultimate goal we will default to the temporary fixes that our world tells us are a must for happiness and fulfillment.

So what is the solution to this "vanity and striving"? It isn't saying "I am enough as I am". Because we aren't.

"Not that I have already attained this—that is, I have not already been perfected—but I strive to lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus also laid hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself to have attained this. Instead I am single-minded: Forgetting the things that are behind and reaching out for the things that are ahead, with this goal in mind, I strive toward the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Phil. 3:12-14

If we set our minds on God (His Word, His truth), the other things fall into their proper places. We see people with eyes of love. We see ourselves as God sees us. And then we slowly start to see ourselves less and less as HE becomes the goal of our striving. Because when God... His heart... His glory... is what we pursue, we will never be chasing wind, because He has already met us in our strivings; loved us, saved us, embraced us. He invites us to put down our burdens of the opinions of others or finding our value in our looks/accomplishments or trying to do it all. He tells us to sit at His feet and find the better thing. Following Christ then becomes a lot less like striving as we see it, an exhausting competition, and a lot more like rest.

Because He has already accomplished the work, chased us down in our wanderings, and won our hearts, we can pursue Him with joy and peace, and with NEVER a doubt of our value because He loved us first.

taking hold of Emmanuel

writing is hard these days.  my hands are full.  my brain is crowded.

jaybird family pictures, 2018

Recently my amazing sister took new family pictures and I've just been bursting to share the sweetness!!!  I'm still blown away by the gifts these three people are in my life... and seeing us captured like this is so priceless.

haven rose, five months