family pictures... and musings from a wife and mommy

"The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling."  ~ Fabienne Fredrickson


I have always wanted to be a wife and mommy.  I went through my stint of wanting to be a famous singer or author.  I mulled around different career ideas occasionally.  But nothing stuck.  Nothing matched the desire in my heart to love a godly man and raise a passel of children.

The first half of my dream came very easily.  I met Andrew when I was seventeen.  He was the first and only man with whom I had a romantic relationship.  We were married less than a month after my nineteenth birthday.  At twenty-four I am very well-adjusted to sharing my heart, home, and life with him.  We've definitely got that "old married couple" thing going.  Honestly, it hasn't always been easy getting married so young, but God has been faithful to grow us.

As anyone who reads this blog will know, my dreams to be a mommy haven't been so easily fulfilled. After getting married, we fully anticipated welcoming a child into our family by or around our first anniversary.  Instead that date came and went without a pregnancy and was followed a few months later by a miscarriage.  Losing Promise shattered me.  And the sixteen months afterwards broke my spirit in ways I can't explain.  The gift of our rainbow baby (who came three months after our third anniversary) finally began my heart's healing.

Two years have passed since then and once again I've given up my idea of what the "perfect" family for us will be.  As things stand now, Rennie will probably be 3+ years older than any siblings.  I've already met with one nurse practitioner and am working on getting scheduled to see an OB who specializes in infertility.  This is scary, people.  This is not what I had planned.

Today I watched my daughter play with her aunts and uncles in my parents' back yard and gratitude filled me.  We are in such a unique situation living on the same property as my parents/siblings and Serenity's youngest aunt being only five years her senior.  It's almost as if a loving, grace-filled God knew my daughter would have to wait to be a big sister and gave her built-in "siblings" only a few yards away.  ;-)  His plans are so good.  Even when there is hard and hurt, He still shows His kindness.

Another thing that happened in my recent trip to the doctor was the (expected) diagnosis of anxiety and depression.  This is hard for me to share publicly.  Not because I'm ashamed.  I'm actually very pleased with how well I've been functioning with this knowledge.  In a way it helps me understand my highs and lows a bit better and gives me more grace towards myself.  My fear comes with the opinions of others.  Whether I should take medication or not (I'm opting not for now).  People not understanding mental illness and telling me to "just pray harder" or "confess my sins" for a quick fix.  I don't share intimate details from my life for this (though I know some inconsiderate comments are inevitable).  I share so that maybe SOMEONE out there who struggles with this too will know they aren't alone.  That is worth the risk.

For the woman out there who "has it all" but still struggles to find joy:  You aren't the only one.

For the wife who desperately wants to be a mommy amidst pregnancy announcements:  Your time will come.  And if not, you AREN'T ALONE.  Ask me for a name and I will introduce you to amazing women who are still waiting.

For the the woman who hasn't met "the one":  Being single is not a sickness.  I know it has to hurt.  Waiting for this was not my story, but I do understand waiting.  I understand uncertainty.  You are so loved of God.  And you are valuable RIGHT NOW, just as you are.

For every single one of you:  whether the finances are tight as you watch your friends buy trendy clothes, your husband has different hobbies while other couples seem to do everything together, you feel alone in your convictions, you know you'll never measure up to the "instagram family", your heart is broken, your home is imperfect, you don't eat organic or have tight abs, WHATEVER!  Dear sister, you are precious and beloved and KNOWN by God.  He sees you and cherishes you.

My life isn't perfect (unlike these beautiful pictures my sister took!).  But my smile isn't fake either.  I don't always see it, but life is good.  God has given me breath and grace for each day.  How amazing is that?

And for those "extra" gifts I have been given... Andrew, Promise, and Serenity... a beautiful home... a loving family... the ability to walk and sing and serve and give... coffee :-D... For these things I am so thankful.

What are you "so thankful" for?  Sometimes it can feel like we've been cheated of our dreams.  Yes.  I know this too well.  But right now, this moment, what are the painfully beautiful things in your life?  Even if it is simply "I am beloved of God", that is enough.


I love you all so much, dear friends.  Enjoy the rest of the pictures, please share what makes you thankful, and have a beautiful Wednesday!

<3